AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
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SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”![]()
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
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when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
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Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers