AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
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her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics