*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
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I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
This sounds bad:
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol