If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
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If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
No chill.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.