Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
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I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”