@Amusitr0n

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

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@jimmytorosian

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

@meantomyself

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

@caliluvgirl77

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

@Parkerlawyer

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

@causticbob

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

@KalvinMacleod

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

@Contwixt

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

@greek_heanen

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

@UncleDuke1969

the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain

@heidi420x

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”