I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
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HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week