There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
You Might Also Like
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Living the best life.. 😊
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand