My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
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the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I’ve had relationships like this
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.