I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
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*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.