Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
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The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.