“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
You Might Also Like
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.