Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
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Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text