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Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.