Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
You Might Also Like
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist