Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
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ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.