The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
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This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
when dads have a rap battle
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?