BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
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My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.