if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
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Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no