WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
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Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
no one ever comes back
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.