[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
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When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what