I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
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Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.