i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
You Might Also Like
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
everyone’s a critic
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Anime is real
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!