Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
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According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
We decided to have money instead of children.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
That’s a good costume, I hope.
There’s no “us” in nachos.