I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
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Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit