Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
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My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Nice try, poison.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
The internet is full of many things
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay