You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
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Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Wednesday
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.