Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

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[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you


Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.


My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.


My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!


Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”


Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.


Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set


toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else


My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”