Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
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Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”