Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
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If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.