My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
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Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.