A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
You Might Also Like
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.