My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
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The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
A man of commitment.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.