(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
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Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.