[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
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[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping