Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
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Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.