Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
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1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
this is how life feels
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single