Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
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“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.