People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
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[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
The Joker was right
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur