Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
You Might Also Like
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
don’t we all
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter