Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
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“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.