[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
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Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Life with a cat in one tweet
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh