[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
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If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.