@aneesa_p

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

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@billmaher

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

@NotKarma

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

@MelvinofYork

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

@Mr_goose007

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

@The_Sculptress

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

@Token_Geezer

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

@Jazzzzzmina

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

@peachesanscream

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.