Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@SomthinBoutSara

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

@myonlymizztake

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

@noog

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

@LoveNLunchmeat

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

@HeyoShellz

Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?

@MelvinofYork

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

@lock_robster_

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

@pleatedjeans

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

@MadamBetteNoire

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

@Reverend_Scott

Meanwhile, at the bar:

Batman: “Whisky.”

Aquaman: “Appletini.”

“WHAT?”

“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”

“You’re off the Justice League.”