Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

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How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.


When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.


Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.


upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case


Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?


I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there


For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31


[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]


Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.


Meanwhile, at the bar:

Batman: “Whisky.”

Aquaman: “Appletini.”


“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”

“You’re off the Justice League.”