Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
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Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I need to update my racial profile.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
This did not end as expected.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed