“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
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It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster