It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
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*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Very good! 👍😂
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.