“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
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How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no