Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
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Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
They’re the worst 😩
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.