“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
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I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.