When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
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*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails