My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
You Might Also Like
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”