ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
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If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
New tinder profile pic
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?