millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
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Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
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My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
😂😂
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
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Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?