millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
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I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
He-man has a Masters degree
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
And now we wait
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.