me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
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Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.