me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
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same vibe as tangled headphones
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
fourth time’s the charm
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.