me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
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COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
#SCOTUS one-star review
My wife has the worst taste in men.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
anyone else like Italian cereal
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!